The Duality: Joy and Grief

I was sitting in a classroom observation today when the incessant vibrations of my phone continued to buzz against my lap. At first, I tried to ignore it, but then I figured it would be best for me to pick up (thankfully, the class my friend was teaching was on it's break).

All I could hear was my mom gasping for breath in the middle of sobbing as she tried to tell me that my grandpa had died. I had just talked to my mom probably a half an hour just to catch up, so getting this phone call with her in the described condition caught me a bit off guard. Though we've been expecting this for a while, there's nothing that can really prepare you for the loss of such an amazing person. My mom was impacted doubly seeing as how she and my dad were going to visit my grandpa tomorrow. 

When I first got the news, I had no option but to keep it together. I was with students and a colleague. Having gone into automatic mode, I was able to stay that way until probably an hour after class was over. As I was driving home, I broke down into tears for the first time. I have no doubt that these little bouts will continue to come as the truth of it really settles in.

Unable to focus on my work, I sat and prayed for a while. Part of my spirit is so excited to know that my grandpa is home with his Maker. He's is finally home! I can only imagine the celebration that happened in the heavens today as he was ushered into the presence of our God. The other part of my spirit is experiencing a certain level of grief, and then the Lord gave me this:

"The humanity that I know so well is that which causes Me to grieve as you grieve in loss, but My glory is also the glory that rejoices as one leaves the earthly and is ushered into the heavenly."

Yes, there is celebrating today, but the truth of it is, I can also find solace in the fact that Jesus understands my grief. He too experienced the duality of the situation, and I find great peace in that as I'm reminded how much He understands everything that we go through. This aspect of who God is reflects the depth of His love for us. 

Praise you, Father. Our lives are best lived in Your hands. 

 

 

Timely.

I started to write, but nothing seemed to suffice. If you've read the last few posts of mine, you'll remember that I wrote a blog about my grandpa. He's in the hospital again. Last Thursday he told my uncle that he was experiencing severe stomach pains, and the doctors informed my uncle that his stomach is shrinking. Eating is essentially impossible, and if anything is swallowed, it's excruciatingly painful. The doctors are giving him about 72 more hours. He is SO ready to go home. I also can't help but think that my grandma is so excited to be able to see her man again after 9 years of being apart :).

I'm in the midst of a Beth Moore Bible study and came across one of her poems. When I first heard it, I was immediately swept away in the posture of worship that it facilitates, but when I read it again, the only thing I could think of was the way it fully reflects my grandpa's life from the moment he met Jesus until he takes his last. I'm fighting back tears as I think about it, but you have to know that these tears are the kind that I can feel with my whole body--the kind that are bit required for healthy grieving but mostly comprised of deep, deep joy and celebration. He's about to be ushered into the Kingdom of Heaven by His Maker. I can think of no greater joy. He is going to be so welcomed!

I'll leave you with the poem. I hope it causes you to go to your knees, or to lift your eyes to the skies in wonder, or to raise your hands in adoration. I hope it stirs a holy joy within you.

River of Delights

I want to drink from your river of delights.

I want to dance before Your throne.

I want to chase You to the depths and the heights.

I want to live all my way home.

I want my eyes to be open till they're close,d

and faith gives way to that holy sight.

But while I've the dust of Earth between my toes,

I want to live with all Your might.

I want to shout hallelujah while I can,

Living life in the abundant and beyond.

Splashing in Your Spirit and lifting up my hands, 

I want peace life a river, not a pond.

I want to drink from Your river of delights.

I want to dance before Your throne. 

I want to chase You to the depths and to the heights.

I want to live all my way home. 

Grandpa's currently in San Jose, and I'm hoping to make a trip up there on Friday. Grandpa, wait for me, please.

Almighty= ALL MIGHT.

I was really encouraged by this today. Thank you, Oswald [Chambers].

"From whence then hast Thou that living water?" John 4:11

"The well is deep" - and a great deal deeper than the Samaritan woman knew! Think of the depths of human nature, of human life, think of the depths of the "wells" in you. Have you been impoverishing the ministry of Jesus so that He can not do anything? Suppose there is a well of fathomless trouble inside your heart, and Jesus comes and says - "Let not your heart be troubled"; and you shrug your shoulders and say, "But, Lord, the well is deep; You cannot draw up quietness and comfort out of it." No, He will bring them down from above. Jesus does not bring anything up from the wells of human nature. We limit the Holy One of Israel by remembering what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past, and by saying, "Of course I cannot expect God to do this thing." The thing that taxes almightiness is the very thing which we as disciples of Jesus ought to believe He will do. We impoverish His ministry the moment we forget He is Almighty; the impoverishment is in us, not in Him. We will come to Jesus as Comforter or as Sympathizer, but we will not come to Him as Almighty.

The reason some of us are such poor specimens of Christianity is because we have no Almighty Christ. We have Christian attributes and experiences, but there is no abandonment to Jesus Christ. When we get into difficult circumstances, we impoverish His ministry by saying - "Of course He cannot do any thing," and we struggle down to the deeps and try to get the water for ourselves. Beware of the satisfaction of sinking back and saying - "It can't be done"; you know it can be done if you look to Jesus. The well of your incompleteness is deep, but make the effort and look away to Him.

Papa's Girl.

The saying goes, "when it rains, it pours." It seems as though when things are good, they're good; and when they're bad, they're bad. The last two weeks have been--well, trying. There have been moments of great joy, but a span of time that weighed heavily on my spirit as a great sense of sadness and resignation seemed to be unshakable. I started to wonder what the cause or causes were, and I settled on a few different variants.

1. As one desires growth or revelation there's an opposing power that desires nothing more than to sow and reap destruction. It's been a season of much refinement--much pruning. I'm constantly asking for clear vision in the midst of the process because, without an understanding that I'm being refined, bitterness and resentment could seep into places in my heart where they're not welcomed. A few months ago, God kind of gave me a heads up that I was going to need to strap in. Noted!

2. There is an issue of lacking discipline in my life that can bring about unwanted results. In some areas, I have much; in others, I'm a bit more inconsistent. Discipline is something I value, but it's also hard to maintain if I'm operating out of my own strength. This is where I need to operate in a place of grace--grace as a means of empowerment.His grace is sufficient. Me typing it out once means nothing. This is a thought that I long to have moment by moment, and sometimes that seems more apparent then others. It is humbling and reminds me that we're constantly in process.

3. Lastly, Uganda is just around the corner, and as the team and I have been preparing for it, we have felt warfare in various forms. Lies are creeping into our minds, and it's what we do with those lies that make the world of difference. I'm giving my testimony this Sunday at our training meeting, and as I've been mulling and praying over what I will share, I was overwhelmed by a sense of sadness and resignation as old tendencies mustered their way back into my heart.

There was a call tonight during prayer worship for anyone who needed prayer---specifically prayers against the lies being spoken over us by the voice that is not our loving Father's. For every lie, there is a truth, and that truth breaks the chains of captivity. Renouncing the lies and proclaiming the loving truths of God is incredibly powerful, and we were able to partake of that in community. As I was being prayed over, I got an image that spoke very deeply to my heart. My friend praying over me asked the Lord to show me an image of His great, unspeakable love for me.

Papa has an intricately fashioned, framed picture of me on His nightstand. With the most loving eyes, He gazes at me--and with great delight, He just smiles the biggest smile. Papa's Girl.

Again, I was reminded that I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Also, I was reminded of how much He loves me by showing me that amazing friends are contending for me as the Spirit leads them.

I pray we know His love more and more; that the truth and presence of His spirit indwelling in us would displace the lies, the doubts, the fears and insecurities. I ask for boldness and courage for His kids to live lives that demand explanation.

Life-giving Things.

Though many things have the ability to be life-giving, I realized that some of those had gone on an unwelcome hiatus in my life. Two specific ones: writing and photography (both of which fall under the overarching umbrella of my creative release). They're coming back, and I'm already experiencing a greater freedom in being me as I welcome their return.

What are the things that give you life?

A glimpse into a few of mine:

1-on-1 conversations.
Worship.
Stories of restoration.
Getting to know people.
Learning/Discovery (for others/myself).
Cooking/Sharing meals.
A good laugh.
Music.
Prayer.
A healthy release of tears.
Creativity.
Resourcefulness.
Honesty.
Deep breaths.
His presence.
Vulnerability.

This small list just puts my heart in such a thankful place. Because we're so intricately made, the collection of things that gives us life is so diverse. The Father delights in bringing joy and life to His children, and in doing so, He shows His creativity!

To close, I'll leave you with a few images that I captured today as I took a walk around my neighborhood. His creativity is everywhere, and there is intense beauty in the simplicity and complexity in which our lives are framed.

"First this: God created the Heavens and Earth—all you see, all you don't see."

 

 

Give it some thought. What brings you life? I'd love to know.